pinkomenace.com

Most articles here at pinkomenace.com deal with the impending Pinko invasion.  Whether from people within our country or from the Great Red Bear himself, we are always on the watch for possible threats to our great nation.  However, in today's article, we've decided to profile several weapons and techniques that can be used if the worst was to happen.

As everyone knows, the best source for improvised weaponry is the internet.  One site that has several interesting weapons is WikiHow.com.  From our exhaustive research, the best weapons on this site and from the internet are profiled below:

The first weapon we found  is a throwing knife constructed from a coat hanger.   The instructions for making this weapon are as follows:
 

1. Take a clothes hanger.(metal)
2. Using a wire cutter, or a similar tool, cut the clothes hanger in the middle.
3. Cut about 2 in. above the bend in the hanger.
4. Bend the tip of the hanger (the part after the bend) till it almost touches the main wire.
5. Using a metal file, file the tip to a point.
6. then your done

Plastic, but you get the idea.

"then your done", that should be clear enough for all of our readers.  If this method fails, one could always cut it up into small edible pieces and hope that the pinkos will chose to eat said hangers and either choke on them or have some serious stomach problems.  One must eschew a big picture view if using the second method, as the pinko menace will probably not react kindly to having been fed a coat hanger.

Of course if a coat hanger is not available, one can always turn to the infamous "Sock Water Balloon Weapon".  It's believed that Sadaam Hussein was known to actually use these as a delivery system for chemical weapons.  The US has yet to recover one of these chemical-laced balloons, but our private intel leads us to believe that they were smuggled into North Korea.  Naturally, Wikihow has the instructions for making this terrible device:
 

1. Get a regular [American] sock.
2. Fill up a water balloon and then put it in the sock.
3. Get the sock wet.
4. Find a person to hit in the legs or you can slam it behind them on the ground.

Wikihow even has instructions for making a multi-balloon sock warhead (MBSW) if the situation calls for it. pinkomenace.com recommends for # 4 to actually go for the face, crotch, or chodal area only using the legs in an interrogation situation.

Finally, if one grew up during the 1980s or had kids that did, chances are you may have a sai laying around from your Ninja Turtles days.  We're going to assume they ended long ago, but  if not, skip the next section. Most of the advice is based on the fictional cartoon, or on their documentary movies.

If you haven't practiced with your sai in a while, ehow.com has instructions on using them.  These instructions can be summarized as this: Grip, Block, Hook, Disarm, and Finish.  If you can't remember that, just remember this mnemonic device: good boys have donuts forever.  One issue we have with ehow's methods is that they recommend finishing off an opponent by thrusting the butt end into someone's forehead. Although that is a fine second-to-last step, we also have a recommended step 6: after Soviet invader is unconscious, grab opponent's AK-47 and spray him with 7.62 x 39mm rifle rounds until clip is exhausted.
 

Thanks, Raphael!

The last important piece of advice from the internet comes to us again from Wikihow, an important 2 step guide to surviving in combat .  This invaluable guide can be summed up as "know your environment" and "know your weapon".  We recommend reading the whole article as it has such juicy bits of information as what to do if you are in a WWII trench, and admonishes the reader not to try to snipe enemy soldiers with a shotgun.  This Wikihow article has certainly been written by someone with many years of combat experience, and in some countries reading this qualifies you as a second lieutenant.  We recommend printing it out in a small font and keeping it taped to the butt of your rifle or sai for quick reference.

Bonus weapons: Rubber band, Everyday Objects